The SandGram

What it means to be away from home:

A year ago, I sat in a Marine Corps chow hall, looking at a giant turkey made out of who knows what and covered in corn flakes. It was a great attempt to make you feel good during a time when you realize your loved ones were gathering for a nice meal, some red wine and great times. I remember sitting with my friends, my other family, seven thousand miles from home, in a war that the average anonymous guy does not understand, wishing I were home. For that instant, time stood still; the fear of a rocket attack passed as I sat on my plastic seat, eating a tray full of turkey and dressing made by the cooks who haven’t a clue as to what Thanksgiving is all about, but who try. I only thought about my family and friends who were still fast asleep in bed. I looked around and watched these young men and women as they bowed their heads to pray; some did the sign of the cross. I understand now that they, too, are were thinking the same thing as they sat there with an M-16 strapped across their back, weighed down with a twenty-some pound flak jacket and Kevlar helmet, heads bowed, lips moving.

They say that there are no atheists in combat and I believed it as I witnessed each person sit and pray. Iraq is now passing into the evening just as the sun starts its slow march over the horizon to wake up America into a new day. Thanksgiving Day. What are you thankful for? I’m thankful now that I was able to serve my country; that I have a wife who would support my going back into the Marines; children who love their daddy, and parents who support their son through thick and thin. I’m thankful for the loyal corps of supporters I made friends with last year who not only took care of my Marines and me, but countless others. I’m thankful that there are young men and women in our country as I type this, who knowing all the dangers military life involves, still choose to join the service with about a ninety percent chance of going to combat. They weren’t drafted. They, on their own volition, raised their right hand and took an oath to serve. They are my Heroes and have accomplished more in their lives then most Americans can dream of.

They will make better citizens out of our fellow countrymen; maybe run for office one day remembering this day, Thanksgiving, one of the many holidays they will be gone from friends and family. To all the men and women of every branch who are over in harms’ way, I will pray for your safe return tomorrow as we bow our heads here in the U.S. over our dinner. You all are the only heroes this country has right now. When the job is over and we leave Iraq and Afghanistan, you will still earn the respect of many people for many decades. They will make movies about this war, write books and as the dust of time passes, it to will be recognized for what it was–the western world against the Islamic Fascists. When the IED’s start exploding on I-95 south of DC, only then will the rest of this broken country come to understand what you were up against. They will start praying for our help then.

Happy Thanksgiving to our Marines/Troops/Airmen and Sailors and God Bless you!!

Subject: Letter from Dumb GI

SENATOR JOHN KERRY
304 RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510

DEAR SENATOR KERRY:

WE ARE STILL LAUGHING OVER HERE IN IRAQ AT YOUR JOKE ABOUT THE TROOPS BEING DUMB. WE DO RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE A LOT SMARTER THAN WE ARE BECAUSE YOU WERE ABLE TO GET OUT OF COMBAT IN THREE MONTHS. THIS IS WHY WE ARE SEEKING YOUR ADVICE. PLEASE GIVE US GUIDANCE.

1.) WHERE IS THE LEAST PAINFUL AREA ON THE BODY TO INFLICT A WOUND?
2.) DOES IT HAVE TO BLEED OR WILL A SCRATCH DO?
3.) WHERE DO YOU GET THE FORMS TO FILL OUT RECOMMENDING YOURSELF FOR A PURPLE HEART?
4.) DO YOU NEED A WITNESS? IF SO, HOW MUCH DOES THAT COST?
5.) ARE THREE PURPLE HEARTS STILL GOOD FOR A TRIP HOME?
6.) WHAT IS A REALISTIC PERIOD OF TIME IN WHICH TO ACQUIRE THESE WOUNDS? LESS THAN THREE MONTHS SOUNDS A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS EVEN TO US.

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP AND KEEP THE JOKES COMING.

JUST A DUMB G.I.IN IRAK

Humble is for those who can’t, we CAN. When the world comes down on our nations military for doing their job, protecting American interest around the world and following our leaders orders, I just close my eyes and see that quote in my minds eye. Being a part of the Marine Corps is not only a job but part of a legacy that brands an invisible “Marine” tattoo across your soul.
Whenever you read about a person who served in the Marine Corps, you always hear them say, “Ex-Marine”, that is a misnomer, see once a Marine, Always a Marine!! So feel free to correct the next person who in conversion says “Oh he was an Ex Marine.” Tell them that he is a Former Marine. This can be misconstrued as a form of brain washing by some who don’t understand what being a part of such an outstanding company means.
I will give you an example of what it means to be a Marine. On September 11th 2001, a twenty year veteran of the Marine Corps, retired Staff Sergeant David Karnes, watched in horror like the rest of us as we were brutally attacked by a bunch of Crazy, Maniacal, Islam radicals. But what makes this man and another former Marine Sergeant Thomas special is that while thousands were running away from lower Manhattan, these two donned their Marine Corps Uniforms and raced to the scene of mayhem. They were allowed to pass all the check points, a respect for the uniform by the police and made their way to ground zero. What is remarkable is the fact that they found some of the last survivors from the collapse of the twin towers. These two unsung hero’s had the guts face tragedy with a level mind and sort out the details that ultimately saved the lives of two Port Authority Police Officers.
Were they called upon to do this selfless act? No!! Did the U.N. get together and figure out that the Marines needed to be called in? NO!! These two individuals took it upon themselves to use their leadership skills, training and bravado, saving two lives when others had missed them. How do you put a price on that? What kind of man does this?
These are the results of the Marine Corps, a professional organization whose byproduct is allowing these guys to work under pressure and make rational life or death decisions. They are my hero’s right now because they both showed the world that the Marines make things happen whether on Active Duty or out in the world as a Civilian. To Sgt David Karnes and the rest of the Marines out there, I say “Thank you” and Happy Birthday and Veterans day!!
Semper Fi,
Taco

I’m not sure where these guys are, but they are Studs!!!! All I can say is I wish this was me and my guys in the photo!!

Funny story about DC and the attitude there sometimes… as a young 2ndLt stationed at the basic school in Quantico, we would go up to Georgetown to hit the bars. Mind you, we are all 22 years old, in nice dress slacks, button down shirts and driving those bitch’n brand new Lieutenant mobiles. The one thing we had going against us was the fact that we had super “High and Tight” haircuts. I tried to explain to the guys as a local boy from the area, why the girls were the way they were up there and looked down onto Marines, but it didn’t matter, they all wanted to go.
I sat back and watched as my buddies were shot down one by one by these local Georgetown gals. Jim, my roommate, found a gal who came over with her friend in tow. They sat down and I was stuck chatting with this little prim and proper preppy gal. She looked at me and said, “So you guys are Marines huh?” I nodded my head as I said yes. She then proceeded to blow me away with “So that’s all you could do with your life??”
I was floored by her comment and answered, “I’m sorry, what college did you say you go to??” She said Long Wood College which is down in Southern Virginia. I then asked her if she had applied to my University… James Madison University. She said yes… I then said well it appears that you didn’t get into my school, so when you are up for debating who is smarter, first get accepted to my University and then we’ll talk. Needless to say, I didn’t jump on that hand grenade for my buddy as I would rather drink acid then kiss her.
There will always be folks like her and Sen. Kerry, who will assume that we couldn’t do anything with our lives but join the Military, I can accept that, but when it comes time to pulling their butt out of a burning Embassy, you know that they will be the first ones to call the 911 force of the world… The U.S. Military!! Funny how that works.
As the English Novelist, George Orwell,once said, “People sleep peaceably in their beds at night, only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.” We are those men and women…
Semper Fi,
Taco
P.S. He has angered me enough to post this too…

This is a letter written by a U.S. Marine in response to Senator Kerry’s recent “slip of the tongue.”

Yesterday John Kerry said, “You know education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well, and if you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq”

So I wrote him a letter:

I am a Sergeant in the United States Marine Corps. I am currently on my second tour in Iraq, a tour which I volunteered for. I speak Arabic and Spanish and I plan to tackle Persian Farsi soon. I have a Bachelor’s and an Associate’s Degree and between deployments I am pursuing an M.B.A. In college I was a member of several academic honor societies, including the Golden Key Honor Society. I am not unique among the enlisted troops. Many of my enlisted colleagues include lawyers, teachers, mechanics, engineers, musicians and artists just to name a few. You say that your comments were directed towards the President and not us. If we were stupid, Senator Kerry, we might have believed you.

I am not a victim of President Bush. I proudly serve him because he is my Commander in Chief. If it was you who was President, I would serve you just as faithfully. I serve America, Senator Kerry, and I am also providing a service to the good people of Iraq. I have not terrorized them in the middle of the night, raped them or murdered them as you have accused me of before. I am doing my part to help them rebuild. My role is a simple one, but important. You see Senator Kerry, like it or not, we came here and removed a tyrant (who terrorized Iraqis in the middle of the night, and raped them and murdered them). And we have a responsibility to see to it that another one doesn’t take his place. The people of Iraq are recovering from an abusive relationship with a terrible government and it’s going to take some time to help them recover from that. We can’t treat this conflict like a microwave dinner and throw a temper tantrum because we feel like it’s taking too long.

Senator Kerry, you don’t have to agree with this war. You don’t have to say nice things about those of us who choose to make sacrifices for the rights of every American rather than sit back and simply feel entitled to it. But please Senator Kerry, if you’re going to call me a stupid murdering rapist, stick by what you say. Don’t tell me that I misunderstood you or that you would never insult a veteran because you’re one too. Having been there and done that does not give you a free pass to insult me.

My suggestion for you, Senator Kerry, is to remember that your speeches are recorded and broadcast to us simpletons over here. You may want to write down what you want to say before you say it, maybe have somebody look at it before you say it and tell you what others might hear. Remember that we can’t read your mind, if there are any misinterpretations in what you say, it’s because you didn’t communicate clearly.

Good luck to you Senator Kerry, if nothing else it’s always entertaining to watch you try and climb out of the holes that you constantly dig for yourself.

Sincerely,
Somebody who is watching his daughter grow up in photographs so that you can have the right to say whatever you want about him.

A Blast From Kerry’s Past
During a Vietnam-era run for Congress in ’72, Kerry said “he opposed a volunteer Army because it would be dominated by the underprivileged, be less accountable, and be more prone to ‘the perpetuation of war crimes.'”
Kerry, in answers to a ’72 candidate questionnaire from a MA peace group: “I am convinced a volunteer army would be an army of the poor and the black and the brown. We must not repeat the travesty of the inequities present during Vietnam. I also fear having a professional army that views the perpetuation of war crimes as simply ‘doing its job.'”
More Kerry: “Equally as important, a volunteer army with our present constitutional crisis takes accountability away from the president and put the people further from control over military activities.”
After Kerry “caused a firestorm this week,” the AP “was alerted to the historical comments by a former law enforcement official who monitored” ’70s anti-war activities. In ’72, as he ran for the House, Kerry “was less apologetic in his comments about the merits of a volunteer army, and said in the questionnaire that he opposed the draft, but considered a volunteer army “a greater anathema.”
Kerry spokesperson David Wade said 11/1 that the historical document “needed to be viewed in the era in which it was written,” but that it nonetheless raised a “bedrock question in a time of war when sacrifice should be shared by all Americans.” Wade: “These are the words 34 years ago of a 28-year-old veteran home from a war gone wrong, wondering who in America will bear the cost of battle and shoulder the responsibility of military service” (Solomon, AP, 11/2).

Someone sent this to me and I laugh hard at some of the following suggestions to simulate being deployed to Iraq. Hard to believe that I was there this time last year. Hope you enjoy all of these.
Semper Fi,
Taco
P.S. the folks are doing well and getting better as each day passes, thanks for all the support.

How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, “Sorry, wrong cot.”

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor’s.

Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on “HIGH” for

that tactical generator smell.

8. Don’t watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the

wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor’s house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it

goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate

there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don’t really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and
lay under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, “just in case.” Everytime.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, “Sorry, it’s for the other Smith.”

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don’t know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant

lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it’s for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale

phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the
backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor’s back yard.

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won’t get cold/ hot.

40. Just when you think you’re ready to resume a normal life, order yourself

to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you’ve been ordered to support.

Hey guys,
Just landed after a 19 hour day, flying from England to Norway to St. Johns. Last night in Mildenhall, I was paged by the clerk as we were checking in with a phone call from the states. Mom and Dad were involved in a serious car crash as they drove up highway 35 on their way through Tulsa OK for a conference. I was instructed to call home ASAP as my folks were in the hospital. I called my Mother in law with 3 minutes left on my calling card. In the three minutes I had left, I found out that my wife Teresa was up there at the hospital with her father and Mom and Dad were pretty banged up. Here is the email that I got from Mary, my mother in law on the situation.
“Mary has been discharged. She is very sore and black and blue with a bruised lung.
John developed 2 very large hematomas from the cumadon (SP??) he takes. Ron said the one on his neck was the size of a football!! They were giving him meds to reverse and the meds were working…they were shrinking. He had a laceration on the back of his head which required stitches, and he has a couple of cracked vertebrae’s in his neck. They think he will be in the hospital a couple of more days.

I guess the semi hit them from behind which threw them into a tail spin and into oncoming traffic, of which 2 other vehicles then hit them. The semi fled! But some lady took down the name of the trucking company and reported it to police.:)
I think they’ll be ok. Ron and Teresa went to see the car and collected all of their belongings. They are 2 very blessed people..It wasn’t their time!
God Bless
Mary”
I am blessed to say that my folks will walk away from this accident but there is another driver who may not. Please put all these people in your prayers tonight, I truly believe in the power of prayer and hopefully the other driver they hit will come out of Critical Condition.
I have to say to the world that my wife, her family, (Mother, Father and Sister and Brother/Wife) are a true blessing in my life and there is no way that I can ever repay them for the love that they show my family. They took off in a moments notice, flying up to Tulsa, renting a car and running right to the hospital to take care of my parents. For that, the loss of sleep I had last night was unjustified. I will keep you all updated on their conditions and thanks for the support. I can tell you this, call all of your family and friends that you love, tonight, and tell them that you love them, because sometimes you may never get another chance due to a freak accident!!
Semper Fi,
Taco

OPERATION FOX AND FRIENDS

Ok guys, here I sit for the sixth day in St Johns New Foundland, stuck on this beautiful island, where everyday is becoming Ground Hog day…
I did go see the movie “Man of the Year” and it’s funny because it’s a grass roots campaign to get Robin Williams elected to the big ticket, the President of the United States, a suggestion from a member of the audience. A thought occurred to me as I read the comments on my blog from the church ladies out there (oh so pure in thought and mind) and Annie from CT said “Like to see MAJ Bell and MAJ B go on the “Today Show” to promote the calendar just as the other Marines did for their calendar.
Just a thought…”

So here is the mission Church ladies and readers of the Blog…I am charging you with finding the contact for the Today show or Fox and Friends or what ever medium you know nation wide that can put Marty/Brian from AnySoldier.com, Major Pain and myself on television to promote the product and amidst the clamor of certain politicians to pull our guys out ASAP, we can talk about how you can support them etc.
Now like I did in the desert, when I wanted to get Catherine Bell (not my wife) from J.A.G. television fame out to visit us, I threw the glove out into the internet world hoping that someone would know her agent. It worked, a now dear friend of mine Betty, hooked us up and talked her awesome agent into sending us autographed headshots of the actress since she couldn’t make it.
Same deal here, forward my request or link to the SandGram out to your buddies in Hollywood or NYC and as we say in the Marines when the machine gun is on full automatic “We’ll spray and pray” hoping that it will land on the right desk. They can contact us at Thesandgram@yahoo.com or Marty@AnySoldier.com or shepherdaway@yahoo.com to set up a phone con for an interview…
Now the only question is, should Major Pain and I wear our Evening Mess Dress Uniforms or the Dress Blue uniforms (one with my wife)… you decide.
Semper Fi,
Taco
BTW if you want to copy this, high light text you want then go up to Edit and hit copy. Only the ability to right click and copy has been disabled.

How To Annoy your XO…

Back when I was a young officer and member of the JOPA (junior officer protection association), it was us against the field grade. The follow list is a collection of things you can do to annoy your Executive Officer. Our XO in my first fleet Squadron was a real piece of work. His job was the “bad cop” and he played it well. Lets say that his name was Major Ima Pain, call sign “Sunshine” because of the stuff he didn’t blow up your rear. Funny thing is I got along with him great because I figured out that if you gave him crap back he left you alone.
It was our job as the junior company grade officers to harass him as much as we could possibly get away with. So, this is a short list of what you can do to drive your XO nuts and things that we did. Of course, I didn’t do anything, but am just passing on things that others did. Feel free to do the same things to your XO if you would like, and leave me some stories at ‘Thesandgram’ at yahoo dot com, and I will put together a collection of stories for the blog.

1. Have the boys down in the flight equipment shop make up a set of name tags with his name on it but with your rank. Then when you go on the road (trip) you put his name on your flight suit and jacket. This works wonders when word gets back to the Squadron about the wild antics of Lt. Ima Pain in the Rota O’Club.
2. When he is on leave, put his house up for sale. The next day when he returns to work…priceless!
3. If he is follicly challenged and does the comb-over, go to yard sales and buy broken hair dryers, then leave them on top of his wall locker in the shower room.
4. Also, half used bottles of hotel shampoo work well placed on his locker.
5. When no one is around, change his callsign on the Squadron Ops board from “SunShine” to “Santa” or “Tigger” or “Teddy Bear” something that a kinder gentler type guy would like.
6. If you have friends in the police office, pass and tags division, then snag a couple of Generals Stars that you put on the windshield next to his DOD sticker of his beat up old crappy Volvo. Going from a Major to a General isn’t too bad…
7. Put a glass half full of milk on the bottom shelf of his book case. It will take him about a week to figure out that smell.
8. Put some hard core Italian Porno mags in his suitcase while his bags are strapped down in the back of the cargo bay, only on the last leg of the trip right before you land.
9. Wait about three months when he stops searching his suitcases after a trip and then sneak some gay porn in his bag…Then imagine what excuses he is telling his wife that night…
10. Sneak in his office and write “Gay national pride day” on every third Friday of each month.
11. Leave bottles of butter milk in the fridge down in the ready room with his name on it.
12. Always spell his name wrong on the flight schedule to Ime Paine.
13. Leave a post it note on his desk with a message to call the Group C.O. at a certain number and then go to each place and have them say “Sir, he was just here and left for the base barber shop, call him at 919-466-6079, then have Moe over at the shop send him to the seven day store, etc. etc. etc. this one takes some coordination but is lots of fun.
14. Put your empty beer cans in his office trash can.
15. Finally, give his name out to all the nasty local gals you meet in Havelock NC at the local Men’s club…with his office phone number and say “Give me a shout and we’ll meet for lunch.”

Well, I have to fly to England and Norway, you guys have a great week and I’ll catch you on the flip side.

Sometimes I have to sit back and chuckle at life, and the folks that surround you on a daily basis. Take last week for instance. I flew a KC-130 over to a local B-52 base not too far from my base in Texas. Yes, it’s in another state east/west of here (all you military hacks out there might know this Buff base, but I’m disguising it here), and we were tasked to pick up a giant B-52 tow bar to bring back for the air show they had this weekend.

Upon landing in the first 500 of this 14,000-foot runway, we turn off and receive instructions to park in front of Base Ops. The parking guide does a nice job of stopping us in the center of a red painted box. Unbeknownst to us, this was part of the red box of death. After shutting down, we stroll the fifty yards into Base Ops to check on the weather and call the “POC” (point of contact) for this tow bar. After killing ten minutes in there and sipping on a nice diet coke, we see the massive equipment loader with the forty-eight foot tow bar on top, moving towards the back of the plane.

As the Load Masters and the ground guys scratched their heads on the best course of action to move this bar inside (this taking about ten minutes), out of the corner of my eye, I see a large SUV pull up outside of our red painted line soon to be known as “The Red Box of Death,” and two Air force police officials, with loaded M4 tactical machine guns at the ready, approach the cab of the loader. The lead MP points at the driver and orders him out of the machine and the other then takes his flight line badge, followed by his Military I.D. card, puts handcuffs on this young lad, who looks nothing like a terrorist I might add!! They take him away to Hanger 54, I guess.

So here you have a giant mover, sitting as the engine idles, and all of us going “Huh????” We approach the lead MP, the question is asked, “Hey Sergeant, why are you arresting this man?” He turns around and says, “Sir, see that red line out there on the ground?” I’m straining my 20/10 vision to pick up on what he’s talking about. The MP points at the one next to my foot, and then points again on the flight line behind some B-52’s, “that driver crossed the Red line there and here; that is a violation of our flight line policy, punishable by arrest.”

Now I’m really confused and ask, “Sgt., if he can’t cross the Red line, then how is he supposed to drive his vehicle from point “A” to our plane’s tail?” The MP points to a small break in the magic box where he was supposed to daftly maneuver his massive vehicle to our plane. You’re talking about going out of your way with a lot of backing up etc. to finally straighten out in back of our plane vice turning left over this painted line on the concrete, and pulling up in back of our plane like he did. Oh, did I forget to tell you that the Air Force takes this “red line of death” thing VERY seriously and you will find yourself face first with an M-16A2 barrel in the back of your neck if you ignore it.

While we are talking, our young navigator is walking back from Base Ops with a couple of burgers he bought. Due to the noise on the flight line, the Engineer is waving his arms to get his attention, and have him stop before he crossed the Red line next to our plane and became victim number two. We moved him around the line until he could walk through this break in the paint.

I say out loud to myself, “Wow!!! Who’s going to drive the loader???” “Man, I always wanted to drive one of these things!” says one of the Air Force ground guys as he jumps up with a big grin. Actually he was the boss and drove it well. Mission completed, we closed up the back of our Herc. But it makes me laugh to think that the reasonable person approach would have told this driver, “Hey buddy, next time you need to drive around this invisible Red Line of Death” but no, sadly our brothers in arms can proudly boost back at the MP shack, “Man, did you see how I put that guy in handcuffs??? Not bad, they should put me on COPS!!”

Anyway, words of advice, the Airfarce spent all their money on the four-mile runways, nice BOQ’s and Officers club next to the golf course, and ran out of money for these nifty Jersey barriers. So mind any Red line on the concrete, they don’t lead to the Wizard of OZ.

Semper Fi,
Taco

Dear Gang,
What I’m about to share with you could result in my being arrested or banished from the Military, but I feel that it must be brought out. The U.S. Navy endorses water torture, and has been practicing it for many years. All this is fully funded by the United States Congress with oversight permissions granted by the Senate. It goes way past both parties, and happens every day of the week in our very own country! This water torture isn’t practiced outside of our borders, but right on at least three major installations across the United States. If word of this ever got out to the ACLU there would be all sorts of hell to pay.

Here is how it works. The Navy subjects a person to extreme pressure changes in a large hyperbaric chamber. They take the “prisoner” up around twenty-five thousand feet of altitude without oxygen, which causes him to be light-headed, followed by possible gray-outs, and a euphoric feeling that is enhanced by tingling in their fingertips. The worst part is being overcome by their bodily odiferous odors. See as the pressure increases, the oxygen in the body expands and there are only two ways out, burping it up or out the other end. As the cabin pressure rises, so does the amount of gas that escapes from the body. To put it mildly, if they were to light a match in there, it would cause a giant explosion. Same would happen if your jet airliner were to lose a window and you experienced a rapid decompression, just hope you didn’t eat Mexican the night before!

After they do this to the “prisoners,” they take them over to a large pool complex where they employ various controlled drowning techniques. They tie vast amounts of equipment to their body. This guarantees they will sink in the deep end of this giant pool. Navy personnel are located all around the pool area, watching as they drag the “prisoners” through the water attached to some ropes overhead. If a “prisoner” were to drown in the water, they can retrieve him in a heartbeat, administer CPR and chuck him/her back into the pool.

They have varied ways to drown the “prisoner” in the large pool. While treading water, they spray them in the face with powerful water cannons, causing loss of vision, disorientation and choking on copious amounts of chlorinated water in the mouth. This may last about two hours. The “prisoner” is broken down, very tired and almost out of hope. When this point arrives, they strap the “prisoner” to a seat inside a large barrel shaped device with the other “prisoners” who are suspended about four feet in the air, and then drop them into the deep end of the pool. The device they are strapped into then snap rolls 180°, causing the “prisoner” to be upside down, blindfolded with blackout goggles on, and almost three feet under the surface.

This is what the “prisoner” experience as his/her heart beats faster, anticipating the sound of the release mechanism. A loud “zing” as the cables slide, followed by the plunge into the water, causing a water injector to the brain as the pool water rushes up the nose, where it lodges in the sinus cavities. They are then expected to release themselves to reach the surface of the pool, while being weighted down with 20 pounds of equipment. The second time around being dunked into the pool, the “prisoner” is resigned to the fact that the next round may be his last trip, and will readily admit to killing President Kennedy although they weren’t even born yet.

The Navy is authorized to do this procedure up to six times to achieve the desired and maximum effects. If they deem, they can call this person back to do it again and again. Where is the press on this? Why aren’t the folks clamoring around a bonfire, telling the Government to put an end to this torture? I’ll tell you why. Because the “prisoners” volunteer for this assignment every four years of their careers as Aircrews in the US Military forces. What I have just described is the Water Survival Course that we, as Pilots, Crew Chiefs and Navigators, must undergo in order to keep our ratings. Now, I’m here to tell you that sitting in a cell, while your captors play loud rock music is nothing compared to this, and if I was in charge of the “Al Killya” scumbags down in Cuba, I’d have them strapped to a helo dunker and dropped into a pool everyday until they admitted their wrongs.

While the training I described sounds harsh, (it is) there are many men and women alive today because of the excellent instruction given by the Navy divers. So hats off to them for teaching us how to survive a crash in the ocean and make it back home to our families! This was the best training I’ve ever had. To think–all you guys thought I was just goofing around in Pensacola, Florida, drinking beer and chasing fish–shame on you.
Semper Fi,
Taco