Sometimes I have to sit back and chuckle at life, and the folks that surround you on a daily basis. Take last week for instance. I flew a KC-130 over to a local B-52 base not too far from my base in Texas. Yes, it’s in another state east/west of here (all you military hacks out there might know this Buff base, but I’m disguising it here), and we were tasked to pick up a giant B-52 tow bar to bring back for the air show they had this weekend.
Upon landing in the first 500 of this 14,000-foot runway, we turn off and receive instructions to park in front of Base Ops. The parking guide does a nice job of stopping us in the center of a red painted box. Unbeknownst to us, this was part of the red box of death. After shutting down, we stroll the fifty yards into Base Ops to check on the weather and call the “POC” (point of contact) for this tow bar. After killing ten minutes in there and sipping on a nice diet coke, we see the massive equipment loader with the forty-eight foot tow bar on top, moving towards the back of the plane.
As the Load Masters and the ground guys scratched their heads on the best course of action to move this bar inside (this taking about ten minutes), out of the corner of my eye, I see a large SUV pull up outside of our red painted line soon to be known as “The Red Box of Death,” and two Air force police officials, with loaded M4 tactical machine guns at the ready, approach the cab of the loader. The lead MP points at the driver and orders him out of the machine and the other then takes his flight line badge, followed by his Military I.D. card, puts handcuffs on this young lad, who looks nothing like a terrorist I might add!! They take him away to Hanger 54, I guess.
So here you have a giant mover, sitting as the engine idles, and all of us going “Huh????” We approach the lead MP, the question is asked, “Hey Sergeant, why are you arresting this man?” He turns around and says, “Sir, see that red line out there on the ground?” I’m straining my 20/10 vision to pick up on what he’s talking about. The MP points at the one next to my foot, and then points again on the flight line behind some B-52’s, “that driver crossed the Red line there and here; that is a violation of our flight line policy, punishable by arrest.”
Now I’m really confused and ask, “Sgt., if he can’t cross the Red line, then how is he supposed to drive his vehicle from point “A” to our plane’s tail?” The MP points to a small break in the magic box where he was supposed to daftly maneuver his massive vehicle to our plane. You’re talking about going out of your way with a lot of backing up etc. to finally straighten out in back of our plane vice turning left over this painted line on the concrete, and pulling up in back of our plane like he did. Oh, did I forget to tell you that the Air Force takes this “red line of death” thing VERY seriously and you will find yourself face first with an M-16A2 barrel in the back of your neck if you ignore it.
While we are talking, our young navigator is walking back from Base Ops with a couple of burgers he bought. Due to the noise on the flight line, the Engineer is waving his arms to get his attention, and have him stop before he crossed the Red line next to our plane and became victim number two. We moved him around the line until he could walk through this break in the paint.
I say out loud to myself, “Wow!!! Who’s going to drive the loader???” “Man, I always wanted to drive one of these things!” says one of the Air Force ground guys as he jumps up with a big grin. Actually he was the boss and drove it well. Mission completed, we closed up the back of our Herc. But it makes me laugh to think that the reasonable person approach would have told this driver, “Hey buddy, next time you need to drive around this invisible Red Line of Death” but no, sadly our brothers in arms can proudly boost back at the MP shack, “Man, did you see how I put that guy in handcuffs??? Not bad, they should put me on COPS!!”
Anyway, words of advice, the Airfarce spent all their money on the four-mile runways, nice BOQ’s and Officers club next to the golf course, and ran out of money for these nifty Jersey barriers. So mind any Red line on the concrete, they don’t lead to the Wizard of OZ.
Semper Fi,
Taco
The SandGram 
October 2, 2006 at 2:33 am
Oh,Oh! AFsister isn’t going to like this one. You are really brave.This is a bit confusing. I thought you were one to follow the letter of the law…..
October 2, 2006 at 2:42 am
Taco-send money *break* I crossed some chicken shit red line in Montana, *break* assaulted one and have boot prints on my head *break*
belay my last, this place is pretty nice, they use the Hilton as their jail! I will be the one by the pool with the cigar!!!
October 2, 2006 at 2:56 am
Sounds like the AF takes the typical government approach: Common sense must be stomped out wherever it flares up!
October 2, 2006 at 3:29 am
In 1971 my navy squadron, VF-114 flying the F-4J, was on a two week det to McChord AFB in Tacoma to play with the USAF guys. I was a avionics maintainer in the squadron and was along to take care of our planes.
The hanger area they put us apparently had only one specific path that we were supposed to use to get to the hanger and flight line. Unfortunately the area was under some sort of construction and the barriers were missing. They had been replaced by some temporary vertical posts sitting on weights. There was a rope connecting the tops of the posts with signs that said “do not cross.”
Being Navy guys we ignored their stupid signs. Our planes were just on the other side of the rope and we weren’t going to walk all the way to the other side of the hanger just because of some rope.
The AF security guys were not happy with this and hasseled us a lot. They said that since we were Navy guys they wouldn’t arrest us but they did yell a lot and pointed their M16’s at us. One morning our XO crossed the rope and they started giving him the same sort of grief. This did not go over well.
For the rest of the det, every time our planes came back to the line they would taxi all the way over to the ropes, turn, and briefly gun the engines hard as they turned. This would blow down all the stands and everything would end up a tangled mess about 50 yards away from where it had been standing. This drove the AF guys absoutely crazy. They would untangle everything and put it all back. Two hours later it’d happen again. This went on for about four days. Great fun.
I never did understand the Air Force
October 2, 2006 at 5:33 am
Taco – just remember – a friend will bring/send bail money. A GOOD friend will share the cell with you and laugh about it!
Believe me – this civilian will NEVER understand some of the military “rules and regs”. I realize their must be “rules and regs” but some seem so darn counter productive and, well, let’s just leave it at that!
October 2, 2006 at 10:27 am
MPs doing stupid stuff?? NO WAY!!
Ever follow an order you just knew was gonna make your day something to remember?
One day in Germany, an Army Division Commander (a 2 Star) gave an MP the order to check every person entering the main PX in Nuremberg. That new MP, dressed to kill, stood guard at the main entrance, checking ID cards. Mind you that this was shortly after a Bader Meinhof attack nearby. Anyway, in walks this Army Major, in dress uniform. He refuses to show his ID card and continues to walk away. After a shout of “Halt!”, the MP proceeds to do a running tackle and takes down the Major, handcuffs him, stands him up and radios for help. Now realizing what he just did, the MP just knows that the fan that deals the shit is gonna be on full blast. Off they go, the Provost Marshal arrests the MP, lets the Major go, then calls the Division Commander. The General releaves the Provost Marshal, sends the Major back to the States (the Major just so happened to be the Officer in Charge of that PX!!!) and thanks the very scared MP for a job well done.
Could have been a thin red line around that Major….
That MP was me. 😉
October 2, 2006 at 3:12 pm
Marty and dale b,
What great stories! When Taco gets back from his trip, he’s going to love reading your experiences!
Dale, I can just picture the looks on the AF MPs when you all blew over their posts and ropes! That was a hoot!
And Marty, I sure hope you never ran into that Major again!!! What a funny story!
October 2, 2006 at 5:03 pm
I have a funny Air Force story from the day in 1987 my friend & I went to see the huge May air show @ Andrews AFB. My friend & I waere rank civilians so we had to park the car in the Back 80 of Andrews in places unknown. We had to board large military busses to be ferried across the runways to the flight line/hanger area to watch show (Blue Angels superb, as usual & 82 Airborne jumped from C-141s as a chaser). After a day of enjoying high testosterone enjoyment we had to board those big busses by the obviously important hangars we found out were then used for the Air Force 1 (it was the 707 @ that time),2 etc. jets. Some of the smaller DC-9 types were visible outside the hangars with “THE” unmistakable paint scheme that signified President, VP, or other high ranking officials.
With the throngs of people it was hard for the driver to maneuver the big bus between hangars & he got too close to the only one with AF Rambo types posted around it. Can you say Air Force 1 hangar?? (That’s what we guessed.)
The driver was barely missing the corner of the hangar but the AF Rambo, w/beret & (human) arms clasped behind his back, didn’t move an inch as the bus missed him by less than 6 inches. We all gave the driver a round of applause.
On the rest of the roundabout way back to the cars thru a pine forest we saw what was labelled as the hangar for the new 747 Air Force 1 under construction. It looked like a reinforced concrete castle w/towers on each corner. So much for keeping secrets.
October 3, 2006 at 3:11 am
Amusing as all hell, sir.
October 3, 2006 at 3:56 am
Taco, I’m sssoooo glad you didn’t post this until now!! I took the boys to the Wright Patterson Air Force Museum last week and I’m sure I would have been looking for red lines and boxes while laughing about this post the whole time!!
On the other hand, I don’t recall seeing any lines or boxes when I pulled into the driveway of…..um… the base. Out walks guard with weapon ready and in hand..
“Can I help you ma’am?”
“I’m probably at the wrong place” (ya think??)
“Yes ma’am.” And he points me towards the museum’s driveway.
We made it safely to the museum without incident, and all I can say is HOLY CRAP! they got some big planes there!!
October 4, 2006 at 2:48 pm
I love all these stories! Seems everyone likes to crack on the AF. I can just see you edging your foot closer and closer to that red line trying to push some buttons with the MP!
Dale, Marty and Devilpup51 – Great stories!!
October 4, 2006 at 11:49 pm
You guys crack me up!!! I love these stories! I am going to have some guest writers here soon.
Thanks for the Super memories.
Semper Fi,
Taco
October 5, 2006 at 5:38 pm
Man, oh, man, taco… you got the AF just right….. 20 years on AF bases says, you are an incredibly observant person. And funny.
Bring that c-130 up here to E-dorf AFB, and come meet the guys at Transient.. civilian contractors. (Actually, they are all retired crew chiefs… very wacky and cool guys) They are alot more relaxed now than when they were active duty……
The AF wierd does jet down after retirement, mostly.
Thanks for the posting.
October 6, 2006 at 4:23 pm
Gunnutt, thanks for the kudo! The story is absolutely true.(I’m going to a gun show @ Timonium Fairground this weekend – right up your alley). I have an even better story about a swabbie 3+ sheets to the wind diving off a civilian Waterside ferry in Norfolk so he could swim back to the USS GUADALCANAL after liberty in 1986. After reading Taco’s stuff, seems like something he might do….
October 8, 2006 at 1:17 am
Don’t forget about Mailbox story Part II. We only heard about Mailbox story PartI. thank You.
October 11, 2006 at 1:20 am
devilpup51, I bet that gun show was last weekend… Oh well, I’m shopping for a new shotgun tomorrow.
email that swimming story to Taco! He says he’s going to post them.
October 11, 2006 at 5:02 pm
I used to be one of those AF security guys at a SAC base.
I had a major tell me he was going to cross the Line of Death one time during an exercise because he didn’t feel like walking down to the Entry Control Point.
He tried to intimidate me by saying, “You see these oak leaves, Airman?”
I said, “Yes, sir, I do. Do you see this M-16?”
He didn’t argue any farther and started to walk down to the Entry Control Point.
(hehehehehehehe)