Dear Gang,
Sometimes you try to find a laugh out of everyday ordinary events. There are folks out here who don’t have to try hard–it just happens. Yesterday , for example, we had some Army Blackhawks out front that needed fuel for their helicopters. They called me and requested what we call “Cold Fuel” (that’s where a truck brings out the gas while their engines are shut down). Not a problem, I find out how much and call the “Truck Stop” to bring the required fuel out. Now here is the fun part.
The truck arrives with two Marines. One pulls the hose out of the truck while his partner is up at the control panel. When the hose is fully extended next to the fuel port for the Army Crew chiefs to fuel the plane, the Marine on the control panel charges the hose with fuel. It’s not something you would notice or be able to see since it’s a big round hose, but once it’s charged and full of fuel, it weighs about 500 pounds. You normally would hook it up to the fuel port first then charge it. Are you catching my drift yet? These two big Army Crew chiefs go over to pick up this hose that only one Marine has just pulled out and they can hardly move it now. They call for the third guy to come over and help them. Sweat starts to glisten across their brows as they man-handle this hose up and maneuver it to the fuel portal on the side of the aircraft. These boys are tuckered out by the time it’s all said and done.
They disconnect the hose and the reel on the truck rewinds it back into the holder. Moving down a hundred feet they come to the next chopper. The second Marine pulls the hose back out again and the Army guys are looking at each other like, “Oh man, not again, what a pain!!!” Actually I think the words that came out were more like “The Son of a Bitch weighs a ton!!!” The young Marine is standing there watching them shaking their heads as they look at the hose. He moves them aside and says “let a Man do this” and acts like it’s a lot to move (but in reality, the hose isn’t charged or heavy) and connects the hose to the plane. “Ok, that’s how it’s done here,” he says. Then, he moves off and his partner charges the hose and fills the plane. The Crew chief, not to be out-done, takes it off and just about loses it because now the hose is charged and weighs 500 pounds again. Down it goes on to his steel-toed boots which extracts a fine explosion of choice #$%^&%$#* words. Once again, our Marine hero helps guide the retreating hose back into the truck. I don’t think the Army guys ever realized they were being had!!
We have a young Marine in the office who is smart, but falls for some of the games we play. The other day I was going to scavenge some pieces off an old wrecked Russian jet fighter out in the scrap yard. “Hey Leghound,” I call over to him as he is sitting at his post with a walkman on full blast. He turns around, eyes begging to get out of the office because I banned video games on the office television, and says, “Yes Sir?” I say, “the Gunny and I are going to pull some parts off of the old Russian Jet. Do you think you can go down to the Air Traffic Control guys and see if they have a left-handed metric crescent wrench?” He repeats the instructions and the fun begins.
An email had been sent out earlier to the different shops requesting young Leghound to be spun in circles on this errand. He ends up at two other shops, frustrated because no one seems to have a “left-handed metric crescent wrench, you know, the only kind you can use to work on those crappy Russian birds.” Disappointed, he returns empty-handed. “That’s Ok,” I tell him, “no big deal.” We waited a week and then tasked him with finding “100 yards of flightline.” He figured that one out pretty quick when they took him out to all the planes on the “Flightline” and he realized it’s not rope.
The classic today was when VMU (Unmanned Aerial Vechicle squadron) called over asking for a fifty-five gallon drum of “prop wash” to take care of their planes. Only this was a buddy of mine on the phone. We made it sound genuine so the bait was taken. “Hey Leghound, could you call over to the Squadron and see if they have some “prop wash” that they get from the rotors that we could use?” This took about 15 minutes until someone started laughing at him on the phone and busted our little fun. It’s definitely the end of the deployment when we play these games…
Now when you leave this place, sometimes you leave a little present behind for the next set of guys. One group put two cups of milk up in the rafters of the tent by the lights overhead. You couldn’t see the suckers up there, but after about 2 days of 112 out, the milk started to pump out the most insidious putrid smell as it wafted down to the occupants below. They thought there were dead rats or dogs under the floor boards until one sharp set of eyes spotted the cups up around the top of the tents. I know the homeward bound bubba’s were laughing all the way back to the states about that one and bets on how long it would take the others to find the source of the smell.
Then there are other surprises that you might find in your rack (bed) at night when you return. There is a Nurse here named Naomi, a petite very active nurse who is full of hot air and likes to pay visits to your room at night. Sometimes you are there and photo’s are taken while you sleep, and sometimes while you are on leave, these photo’s of Nurse Naomi keeping your bed warm will be mailed to your house. Even though she is full of hot air, strangely enough, she doesn’t say much. I have attached a picture of her above hanging out in the rafters waiting for the next victim to pounce on. I’m happy to say that the nurse is still a virgin as much as she tries and that is only because she stays away from the Grunts on base!!
Ah, life in Iraq. This makes it go by so much faster…take care and I’ll talk to you later. OOOOHhhhh RRRRRRhhhhaaaaaaa
Semper Fi,
Taco
The SandGram 
February 1, 2006 at 1:30 pm
That Leghound! He’s a hoot!
Sam
.
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February 1, 2006 at 1:39 pm
Love the ‘tude, Marine! You guys are the greatest (and the funniest). Thanks!
February 1, 2006 at 1:44 pm
Great, amusing stories that will keep y’all laughing for years to come! Thanks for sharing, as it is nice to hear that even in the middle of hell, light-hearted fun is steady and strong.
Thanks for putting a smile on my face today, even though it was partially at the expense of poor Leghound!
February 1, 2006 at 2:33 pm
Isn’t it fun to have a young impressionable mind to play with? HAhaha! I’m glad you guys keep your sense of humor as toned as the other muscles 😉
February 1, 2006 at 4:39 pm
Poor Leghound….I am glad that you seem to like him as I wonder what kind of pranks he’d endure?? That good spirit of yours is a wonderful quality to have….
February 1, 2006 at 5:12 pm
So glad you still have a sense of humor! =D Love the blackhawk story!!!
February 1, 2006 at 5:16 pm
You do know that your are turning Leghound into a cult figure?! He’s developing his own personal fan base… He’s the same one that ate the soap slivers..right? There are guys all over the country wanting to be him…people in Hollywood want his story…girls who want to protect him from bad mean Taco…haha!
Keep safe, and keep writing! We love you guys!
Semper gratus,
Donna
February 1, 2006 at 5:22 pm
This why I absolutely LOVE “Marines.” You gettr’ done and still know how to have fun. Sorry Army Guys, but one Marine can do what the Army guy’s take too many to figure it out. (My cousin is in the Army (OIF I Vet and he agrees with me)
February 1, 2006 at 5:32 pm
Send him off for the spark plugs that go in a deisel engine, remember they are larger than regular spark plugs. LOL. I never fell for any of the tricks but I sure do remember them from my days in the Navy.
We had a hand crank DC generator for powering up some of the electronic circuits we had to work on, can’t remember the nick name for it, but you had the new recruit hold both leads in his hands while you “crank it up to test it…” he got a mild 24v shock (very low current)much to the amusment of the more salty sailors.
February 1, 2006 at 5:55 pm
For Leghound……..just roll with it Leg….your payback time will come!….I see a stealthy prankster in the making…..in the meantime…keep eating those gummy vitamins and hunting for those snipes….
Loved the Blackhawk story TACO!
February 1, 2006 at 6:10 pm
Thanks for the good laugh this afternoon, Taco. Love the Blackhawk story. But how sad and mean to play tricks on those poor soldiers, she says laughing so loud, her dog looks at her like she’s smokin’ crack.
But yeah, Leghound. Those are awesome stories.
February 1, 2006 at 6:36 pm
Thanks for the laugh! Was getting worried about you and Capt. B. Poor Leghound!! What a great kid. Thank God you’re managing to have some fun there. I hope you will share with us, before you leave, the prank you’re going to pull on your replacements!! Guess we’ll have to wait until you’re home, darn it. They probably read your blog!
February 1, 2006 at 6:38 pm
Yes, we have fun with ole’ LegHound, but his is thick skin and takes it well as any 20 year old around!! He loves the attention we give him for the crazy stuff he does on a daily basis. I could write a book just on him… Thanks guys.
Taco
February 1, 2006 at 8:55 pm
Has Leghound pulled any pranks of his own? He’s just got to get you back!
The Blackhawk story is wonderful! Keep ’em coming.
February 1, 2006 at 11:28 pm
Major, Why don’t you and Captain Bourland mail this stuff in to the American Legion magazine for publication to 1.7 million veterans? I sent him the last copy that is advertising for letters from the war front for publication. Address is either pr@legion.net or pr@legion.com
Share your hilarious stories with veterans of other wars. It might help you get your book published!
Blanche
February 2, 2006 at 3:07 am
TACO—have you had to send anybody off to find “bolt stretchers” yet?
February 2, 2006 at 4:59 am
I love the “nurse”. I am glad to hear that you guy’s are laughing! I must say that I needed a good laugh today since our friend here will soon be joining you guys. God speed to all of you.
Kelli
http://journal.aol.com/kamdghwmw/noonmom
February 2, 2006 at 9:39 am
It’s so great that you get to ‘play’ a little too. Better watch out for Leghound, he may be planning somthin special before y’all leave there.
Stay safe and God Bless
Anita
February 2, 2006 at 1:55 pm
On my last deployment, we actually short-sheeted our commander’s bed right before we were headed for the flightline to go home (he was a full-bird).
We had some pretty funny email from him waiting in our inboxes when we got home.
February 2, 2006 at 1:59 pm
Happy to see you find some humor in your day, although LegHound might just be takin’ notes and keeping score;)
February 2, 2006 at 11:04 pm
Sir Taco: so enjoyed the Blackhawk rif. Happens many places (even Fed Svc, even civilian) I’m sure many are swapping stories after that smile. Appreciate all the explanations of lingo, helps me decipher my AnySoldier mail. [Visiting here from Capt-B’s, glad you’re both blogging]. -Red
February 3, 2006 at 4:04 am
Taco, your post was hilarious today!! It would be great if you devoted a whole chapter of the book you guys are writing to the “fun and games” that happen when you put a bunch of pranksters together for a year…
February 3, 2006 at 4:49 pm
Poor Leghound! Ya’ll better watch your backs, cuz I hear he may get some schoolin’ from an evil Coonass in MS. She’ll make sure that he gets ya’ll at least once. 😉
February 3, 2006 at 7:54 pm
Leghound is hoot! I just love it. You all are too much! LOL!
February 3, 2006 at 11:10 pm
How about the Chem Light battaries, the plastic trash bag to collect exhaust samples, or the old turret combo to take the turret ring off, spin 24 times to the left- “18 times to the right and 36 times to the left and it should pop off” I have seen soldiers barf after that one.
the heretic
February 4, 2006 at 12:47 am
I’m happy to say that the nurse is still a virgin as much as she tries and that is only because she stays away from the Grunts on base!!
ROFLMSFAO!!! (rolling on floor laughing my sweet f*cking ass off!)
February 5, 2006 at 7:22 pm
Well as a former grunt, I have heard that she nearly became unvirgined the night that Leghound came in late. He had been sampling the wares of the local still. Someone had helped her into Leghound’s bunk.
He nuzzled up to her, gave her a love bite on the neck, then to keep her virtue in tact, she farted, flew around the room three times and lept through a window.
The truth is hard to hide.
jim b
February 5, 2006 at 9:19 pm
oh my gosh jim b that is toooo funny!!!!!!!!ROLFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
February 6, 2006 at 4:06 am
Hey Taco,
Just wanted to finally catch up with you – you’re (as usual) funny as hell!! Love the stories! I wanted to thank you for the lovely parting gifts I received in my PO Box this week! Maddie and I love them and will treasure them always….Moms can get one over on the kids too….when I opened the bag (envelope) I took a really quick sniff and then told her “That Iraqi air sure smells different than US air”, she yelled “Hey, I want to have some!!” So I held up the bag and she took a deep breath and I said “Not so deep, you’ll suck all that sand into your lungs!!” You would have thought she got smacked the way she jumped back and yelled, “Why didn’t you tell me???” I couldn’t help but start laughing, Boy was she mad at me! hahahahhaa Thanks again, keep posting and let us know when the book is in the works!
February 6, 2006 at 10:24 pm
Always be sure to have plenty of chem-light batteries around!