The SandGram

Mess Night/ Kangaroo Court USMC

messnight

(the file above is a .DOC form, feel free to edit it to help you out)
Well Gang, we have been home a week now and the fond memories of our little trip to the desert are fading fast as I get back into the cycle of L.A. all nighters in the mighty 737. The night before we left, we had a Mess night for all 224 members of the Detachment there. A Mess night is a formal event that goes back to our roots when we were part of the British Empire. We brought a lot of these customs over to the US Navy and Marine Corps in the 1700’s. Of course, we have added a lot to it, but here is a brief synopsis of the night. There are about two pages of rules of conduct for the event and you are not allowed to bring the rules in with you, so if you mess up, you have to pay a fine, usually a dollar.

I was “Mr. Vice” who carried the gavel and was the sole person that could levy fines against another member of the Mess. What you do is start out with simple stuff like, “produce your dog tags, ID card in the left breast pocket, proper uniform for the mess.” Some Officers show up in what they called a flight suit tux, (a picture is worth a thousand words) I can tell you that they were fined for that. Then we have fun like having each member of the mess write down his 8th Marine Corps General Order and passing it to the right. If they got it wrong, they had to pay a dollar.

We had one pilot named “Wolfie” who drank a bit too much at the Friday night softball game six days prior, and made a giant jackass of himself as he ran around shouting and cursing at the players. How do you fine a guy for that kind of behavior? It was fun putting this one together. We had a urinalysis on Monday and I borrowed one of the little pee cups they use with some red tape and filled it with apple juice. Then I called out the Staff Sergeant in charge of the pee test to report to me up front. Of Course, every one of us had to do TWO pee test during the AT (annual training) and the Marines probably thought I was going to fine the good SSgt for excessive wiener watching. I then mentioned the action of said Officer during the Friday night game and then asked the SSgt if this was indeed the urinalysis of the Officer in question. He took the sealed bottle from me and examined the name on the side, the initials on the top confirmed that it was indeed the pee of our drunken Officer. I opened the container and put my finger in it and then to my mouth, “Hmmmmm, I think we can save the government the cost of doing a test on this one…I taste Vodka in this sample. What do you think SSgt?”

The SSgt, took his finger and tasted the liquid in the bottle, but then smiled and raised it to his lips taking a big sip he said “Sir, I detect the presence of Crown and Coke, and it taste pretty good.” I then took another sip and handed it to another Officer who gulps it down and the strips his shirt off and runs around the head table like a crazy drunk monkey shouting “Look at me, I’m Wolfie, Look at me….” The funniest part of this was hearing the hysterical laughter from all the Marines and looking at the Commanding Officer at the head table (who didn’t know we had this planned) with a pained look on his face as our Commanding General Officer, the Guest of Honor, was sitting next to him watching all this. You could almost see the slow motion of him screaming “Nooooooooooooooooo!!!”

I fined Wolfie twenty dollars for conduct unbecoming of an Officer. That was classic. All and all, we had a great time out there and I’ll leave you with our top ten reasons why we held our two week training out in the heat of El Centro in the Summertime.

10. We go to cool places all year round
9. The boys miss the desert
8. El Centro has great looking hot chicks behind all the oak trees right? (The Blue Angels wouldn’t stay there if that wasn’t true)
7. We have to use the brown flights suits or turn them back in.
6. It’s not hot enough in Texas in July
5. The Group CO said it would be a Cold day in El Centro before we ever had a good time AT.
4. The beer is cold there
3. It’s easier to have bets on who will puke on the LAT (low level) missions with the heat.
2. They promised we would go somewhere cooler next year…like Iran

And the number one reason we did our AT out in El Centro is that we spent all of our FY (fiscal year) per diem flying to Thailand, Japan, Australia, St Johns, Norway, England and Hawaii…this is payback.

Semper Fi,
Taco

Note 1.  Charges may be brought forth by anyone for any plausible cause to be determined by His Honor, the Judge.

     a. It is the intent of this Court to afford the Guilty Bastard an opportunity to “cleanse the soul” by paying a fine for his unHawkful act.

           (1)  Fines are to be paid in full following the Court to the Keeper of the Hawk.

           (2)  Drinking from the grog does not absolve one from paying fines.

           (3)  Maximum individual fine is $5.33, with a maximum total of  $53.33.  These maximums may be increased at the desire of The Utmost due to particularly obnoxious behavior.

           (4)  Delinquent fines will be placed on the Mess Bill and compounded hourly at a rate of 10%.

                                The Utmost

another old one you can copy:

Hawk Order 1998.3                                                    02 Nov 1998

Hawk Order 1998.3

From: The Utmost

To:   Distribution List

SUBJ: CONVENING OF HAWK NIGHT FIGHTER KAHUNA COURT

1.  Purpose.  To establish the Hawk Night Fighter Kahuna Court and to publish the rules of engagement (ROE) and the special instructions (SPINS) in order to adequately punish any and all perpetrators of crimes against the good name of the worthy members of VMFA(AW)533.

2.  Cancellation.  Hawk Order 1998.2

3.  Applicability.  The ROE and SPINS contained herein are applicable to all officers of this command.  All officers of VMFA(AW)533, both present and past, will acquaint themselves with this order.  Ignorance of the ROE and SPINS is not a viable defense.

4.  Court Attire.  All officers of VMFA(AW) 533 shall be clothed. Any officer with their twig and berries out on display will be flogged. Furthermore, those who do not conform to this regulation will be required to wear one of Boz’s skirts for the entire duration of the court.  For all those conforming souls flight suits shall be worn by our winged brothers and utilities shall be worn by our terrestrial brethren.  Green t-shirts, and black socks are mandatory.

5.  Accessories.  Retention of the following items is suggested:

     a.  Stogies, girly replications of a much smaller size will be tolerated- but maligned.

     b.  Non-standard patches are encouraged.

     c.  Enough cash to dispense with the fines that will be incurred (field grade especially).

     d.  Imbibing receptacle, size matters.

     e.  One Night Fighter Kahuna Hawk Coin.

6.   Definitions.  The officers listed below shall be referred to and addressed as follows:

     a.  Judge                                  Your Honor

     b.  Accused                                Guilty Bastard

     c.  Commanding Officer                     The Utmost

     d.  Executive Officer                      The Almost

     e.  Senior Squadron Company Grade Officer  The Bull

     f.  Junior Squadron Company Grade Officer Keeper of the Hawk

7.  ROE.  The following procedures are to be strictly adhered to during the Court:

     a.  VMFA(AW)533 officers assemble at the appointed time and place in the appropriate uniform with the necessary accouterments.

     b.  At Court time, His Honor, the Judge, will be attired as the Night Fighter Kahuna with requisite accessories.

     c.  His Honor, the Judge, will call the Court into session and read the duties of all members and determine each by name.

     d.  Muster will be taken, fines assessed as required.

     e.  Mutual amusement, laughter, and general bufoonery (especially at the expense of others) is highly encouraged.

     f.  Court will commence with a total disregard for personal sympathies, shameful behavior, and will follow this sðÿ,

ðÿ,

ðÿ,

ðÿ,

 Charges shall be brought forth to His Honor, the Judge, the Night Fighter Kahuna.

           (2)  Callsign review.

           (3)  Other activities The Utmost deems fit.

     8.  SPINS.  The following SPINS shall be followed in exacting detail or suffer the wrath of the Night Fighter Kahuna.

     a.  Field Grade Preamble.  Prior to speaking, all field grade (excluding The Utmost) shall stand and execute the following phrase or gesture before being recognized:

           Scar–    Recite C— S—– M—– F—– cheer

           Binky–   Must simulate wiping brown fecal matter off nose.

           Pokey-   “I love NASCAR & I once spooned with Mark Martin”

           Boz-     Must suck his thumb and say nothing.

           Wheels-  Must YELL “I hate all you Mother f—–s!”

           Bones-   must perform the WTI chicken call

           Boots-   “I swear I was only at 265 knots”

           Shine–   Must make the Yort whine and say; “Yort’s really                     not such a bad guy, I’m his love child”

     b.  Charges are not required to be in poetic form, although it is highly encouraged.

     c.  The Bull will call out the Guilty Bastard and read the heinous charge(s) against him.  The Guilty Bastard will spring forth and stand in the circle of shame for all to observe.  The accuser shall saunter forth to read the charge(s).

     d.  After the charges have been read the Guilty Bastard will have 15 seconds for rebuttal.  His Honor, the Judge, will pass sentence.  The Guilty Bastard may appeal his sentence to the Court, but his fine may severely increase if the Court shows no mercy.

     e.  The Utmost may relieve His Honor, the Judge at any time he finds himself bored, gets pissed off, or just wants to.

     f.  The Utmost will sit as His Honor, the Judge, when charges are read against His Honor, the Judge.

     g.  The Utmost has the final decision during the Callsign Review.

     h.  Whining, sniveling, wanking, crying, or speaking like a little girl will not be tolerated.

     i.  No one may leave the Court without permission from His Honor, the Judge.

     j.  Crew concept and guilt by association applies to all charges.  Those crew members trying to “rat out” the other will be severely penalized with a mouth lathering swig of Hawk truth serum.

     k.  Pointing with fingers, using first names, mentioning wives, and high sticking are strictly verboten.

9.  Duties.  Due to their athletic prowess and keen eye, the following Hawks will be “Beer ‘Ho’s”: Capts Pratt, Gant, and Glover. 

     a.  The Beer ‘Ho’s will keep the imbibing receptacles of The Utmost, The Almost, and His Honor, the Judge full of that savory nectar the Hawks call “Beer”. 

10.  Violations.  All heinous crimes and deplorable acts against the good name of VMFA(AW)533 shall be brought before the Court.  Past or present Hawks may be charged in absentia.  The following is an inclusive list of violations:

     Loyalty                              SOP/NATOPS

     Headwork (lack of)                   Late for Scheduled Brief

     Not Following Brief                  Missing Scheduled Event

     Looking/Sounding Bad Around Field/Club

     Causing Change to Flight Schedule (for not properly sniveling) 

     Wasting Court’s Time                 False Charge

     Not Present at Court                 Contempt of Court

     New Guy                              Brain Fart

     Impersonating a Cone                 Flatulence     

     Speaking without being Recognized    Miscellaneous…Note 1.   

     First Flight in a VMFA(AW)533 Aircraft

     Field Grade not Performing Field Grade Preamble

     Note 1.  Charges may be brought forth by anyone for any plausible cause to be determined by His Honor, the Judge.

     a.  It is the intent of this Court to afford the Guilty Bastard an opportunity to “cleanse the soul” by paying a fine for his unhawkful act.

           (1)  Fines are to be paid in full following the Court to the Keeper of the Hawk.

           (2)  Drinking from the grog does not absolve one from paying fines.

           (3)  Maximum indivual fine is $5.33, with a maximum total of  $53.33.  These maximums may be increased at the desire of The Utmost due to particularly obnoxious behavior.

           (4)  Delinquent fines will be placed on the Mess Bill and compounded hourly at a rate of 10%.

                                The Utmost

Here is a sample chit…

NIGHT FIGHTER HAWK

HEINOUS CRIMES

AND

DEPLORABLE OFFENSES

ACCUSATION CHIT

q       HEINOUS CRIME

q       MOST HEINOUS CRIME

Date:                              Time:                   `                  Place:

VIOLATION:

GUILTY BASTARD:

ACCUSER:

CREDIBLE WITNESSES:

DETAILS OF THIS DESPICABLE,  MOST EGREGIOUS ACT OF UNHAWKFULLNESS:

Tags: Kangaroo Court LOI, KCourt, Marine Corps KCourt, Mess night LOI, MessnightLOI .doc, The SandGram v1.0