The SandGram

Everyone Poops, so have a nice Bidet

`

Dear Gang,

You know there are some basic human needs that have to be fulfilled no matter where you are. I guess as you travel the world, figuring out where you go to fertilize the local gardens is something that everyone has to do. Like my daughters book “Everyone Poops” this is one of those things that fascinates me to no end. I guess because you have all extremes over here from a porta potty which everyone knows how to use, to the modified comfort trailers (fairly normal), followed by the Afghani bathroom. Now they are broken up into two types, the ole hole in the ground or if you are lucky, you get the two imprinted foot spots or my favorite, the “ledge” toilet.

I’m convinced though that whoever came up with the toilet system here also owns stock or their brother owns the local toilet brush company. They build these things with a ledge directly below where your bottom sits and when you flush, water comes rushing down, moving your pile across the ledge and into the abyss. Sometimes this takes two flushes, depending on if you ate the local vegetables or not. I guess they want a really good look at what they had for breakfast that day. This process is ALWAYS messy and requires the use of a brush to scrub away the streaks. Of course this isn’t something that is around when you need it, so you have to buy one. I’m sure the last guy threw his away (I would) and figured you would want a brush of your very own. So Ackmed and Mohammod, I know you two are making a fortune off these brushes and toilets.

Now my house (older place) on 1995 JaOki Street here at Camp Adams has a bidet and a toilet. “How does one use this?” yes, I sometimes think and ponder as I’m sitting, so when I was done, I called my interpreter named Jim into the bathroom “Jim, tell me about this, how does one use this bidet? I mean, do you sort of shuffle over and then wash?” He smiled and replied in his heavy accent “Muslims must pray five times a day and be clean, so they don’t have time for a shower, thus, they wash their bottoms here.” He smiled and followed that with “Sometimes their feet too.”

Well, at least their toilets don’t have the robotic arm that comes out from inside the seat and sears your orifice with 120 degree water enema like the Japanese one I encountered and caused me not to sit right for a week. Or the slit trench in China that my buddy was huddled over one dark November night and nearly fell in after a Pig in the bottom of this pit put his head up under his rear and licked the crack of his Arse. That incident soon became the motto for where ever we were at the time… “I’d rather let a pig lick the crack of my back, then be here…” Says a lot when you think about it.

Well, I hope that this didn’t ruin your chow this morning. You all have a super day and remember “to wipe twice because there are germs you can’t even pronounce about to launch a devastating attack on your body that would render you useless in a time of war.” The Great Santini

Semper Fi,

Taco

Tags: Afghanistan, bathrooms, thinking hat