The SandGram

"What the Captain Said"

This came from my last Captain, Nick Kougias, who flew in the Air Force and had to suffer through the DFW to LAX all night Red Eye’s with me plying him with story after story. The cassette tape he gave me sounded like it came out his trunk from Vietnam and if you can imagine a salty southern sounding pilot, full of piss and vinegar talking, then you can hear his voice in the following transcripts.
Semper Fi,
Taco
PS, Happy Birthday Poppa John

“What the Captain said”

The following correspondence was recorded by a civilian reporter, who interviewed a shy, unassuming F-4 Phantom Fighter pilot. So the reporter wouldn’t misconstrue the fighter pilots reply, the wing information Officer was on hand as a monitor to make certain the “Real” Air Force story was told.

The Captain was first asked his opinion of his F-4C aircraft

Captain: It’s so F***ing maneuverable that you can fly up your own ass with it.
Wing PAO (Public Affairs Officer): What the Captain means is, that he has found the F-4C to be highly maneuverable at all altitudes and he considers it an excellent aircraft for all missions assigned.

Reporter: I suppose Captain, that you have flown a number of missions over North Vietnam, what do you think of the SAMS used by the North Vietnamese?

Captain: Why those stupid bastards couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle, we fake the shit out them, no sweat.
POA: What the Captain means, is that the surface to air missiles around Hanoi poses a serious threat to our air operations and that our pilots have a healthy respect for them.

Reporter: I suppose Captain that you flown missions to the south, what kind of ordnance do you use and what kind of targets do you hit?

Captain: Well, I’ll tell ya, mostly we aim at kicking the shit out of Vietnamese villages. My favorite ordnance is Napalm. Man that stuff just sucks the air out of their friggin’ lungs and makes one son of a bitchin fire.
PAO: What the Captain means is that airstrikes in South Vietnam are often against VietCong structures and all operations are always under the positive control of a forward air controller or FAC. The ordnance employed are conventional 500 and 750 pound bombs and 20mm cannon fire.

Reporter: I suppose you have spent an R and R in Hong Kong, what was your impression of the oriental girls?

Captain: Yeah, I went to Hong Kong. As far as those Oriental broads, I don’t care which way the runway runs, North or South, East or West, a piece of ass is a piece of ass.
PAO: What the Captain means is, that he finds the delicately featured Oriental girls fascinating and he was very impressed with their fine manners and thinks their naivety is most charming.

Reporter: Tell me Captain, have you flown any missions other then over North and South Vietnam?

Captain: You bet your sweet ass I’ve flown other missions then over North and South Vietnam. We get fragged nearly every day to fly into Laos. The F**kers throw everything at you but the kitchen sink. Even the God dam kids have sling shots.
PAO: What the Captain means is that he has occasionally be scheduled to fly missions in the extreme Western DMZ and he has a healthy respect for the flack in that area.

Reporter: I understand that no one in the 12th tactical fighter wing has scored a MIG yet, what seems to be the problem?

Captain: Why you peckerhead, if you knew anything about what you’re talking about, the problem is MIGS. If we got fragged by those by those numb nuts in the 7th for those counters in MIG valley. You can bet your sweet ass that we’d get some of them Mothers. Those glory hounds at UBon get all them Frags, while we settle for fighting friggin the war. Those MOTHERS at UBon are sitting on their fat asses killing MIG’s and we’re stuck bombing the Goddamn cabbage patches.

PAO: What the Captain means is that each element in the Seventh Air Force is
responsible for doing its assigned job in the air war. Some units are
assigned the job of neutralizing enemy air strength by hunting out MIGs and
other elements are assigned bombing missions and interdiction of enemy
supply routes.

Correspondent: Of all the targets you’ve hit in Vietnam , which one was the
most satisfying?

Captain: Well, sh*t, it was when we were scheduled for that suspected VC
vegetable garden. I dropped napalm in the middle of the f**kin’ cabbage, and
my wingman splashed it real good with six of those 750-pound mothers and
spread the fire all the way to the friggin’ beets and carrots.

PAO: What the Captain means is that the great variety of tactical targets
available throughout Vietnam makes the F-4C the perfect aircraft to provide
flexible response.

Correspondent: What do you consider the most difficult target you’ve stuck
in North Vietnam ?

Captain: The friggin’ bridges. I must have dropped 40 tons of bombs on those
swayin’ bamboo mothers, and I ain’t hit one of the bastards yet.

PAO: What the Captain means is that interdicting bridges along enemy supply
routes is very important and that bridges present quite a difficult target.
The best way to accomplish this task is to crater the approaches to
the bridge.

Correspondent: I noticed, in touring the base, that you have aluminum
matting on the taxiways. Would you care to comment on its effectiveness and
usefulness in Vietnam ?

Captain: You’re f**kin’ right. I’d like to make a comment. Most of us pilots
are well hung, but sh**, you don’t know what hung is until you get hung up
on one of the friggin’ bumps on that goddamn stuff.

PAO: What the Captain means is that the aluminum matting is quite
satisfactory as a temporary expedient but requires some finesse in taxiing
and braking the aircraft.

Correspondent: Did you have an opportunity to meet your wife on leave in Honolulu , and did you enjoy the visit with her?

Captain: Yeah, I met my wife in Honolulu, but I forgot to check the calendar, so the whole five days were friggin’ vell combat- proof a completely dry run.

PAO: What the Captain means is that it was wonderful to get together with his wife and learn firsthand about the family and how things were at home.

Correspondent: Thank you for your time, Captain.

Captain: Screw you–why don’t you bastards print the real story, instead of all that crap?

PAO: What the Captain means is that he enjoyed this opportunity to discuss his tour with you.

Correspondent: One final question. Could you reduce your impression of the war into a simple phrase or statement, Captain?

Captain: You bet your ass I can. It’s a f**ked up war.

PAO: What the Captain means is . . . it’s a F**KED UP WAR.

Tags: The SandGram v1.0